Friday, April 22, 2011

Introducing: Parent Pro – the Parent’s Friend

Hey parents, are you sick and tired of the same old grind?

The constant repetition of the parental treadmill got you down?

The day-to-day of parenting can eventually wear down even the most resolute of us. In our bleakest of moments, when you’ve slept eight hours total in the past week, one of the kids is sick and another has decided they will absolutely die unless they wear a swimsuit and Sponge Bob slippers to school everyday, you’re under a crushing deadline at work, the hot water heater is leaking, and the dog has decided that your new wall-to-wall carpet is more tasty than horse poop on a hot August day, it’s times like these when a parent needs a trusted friend to lean on.

A friend like Parents Pro – the Parent’s Friend. Parents Pro is a trusted line of quality products designed by parents, for parents. These proven items will make your job as parent enjoyable, easy, and safe.


Sometimes, no matter your best efforts, threats of ‘time out’, the ‘naughty step’, or those other newfangled parenting methods just won’t settle down your little banshee. This is when you call in your new best friend: Tase-R-Tot.

Based on the design of tasers used by law enforcement professionals, Tase-R-Tot is a safe, effective, low-voltage alternative that just provides that little extra ZAP! you might need to get your little howler monkeys back in line.

Tase-R-Tot’s kid-friendly voltage provides just enough of a pint-sized shock to remind your kids, ‘Oh yeah, mommy and daddy are in charge here!’ With Tase-R-Tot in the home, there won’t be any more back-talk, outside voices inside, refusal to eat vegetables, or any attempts to test your parental authority.

Effective to a range of four meters, Tase-R-Tot allows you to get back to your life and focus on heating up that healthy dinner, taking that important phone call, scrapbooking, or finally finishing that ‘Flavor of Love’ marathon – without having to get up and parent the old fashioned way.

Tase-R-Tot – for those troubling times when even a backhand just won’t get the job done.


If an invisible fence is good enough for Man’s Best Friend… why not use it for ‘Man’s Best Kids’?

Based on the same low-voltage current as our best-selling Tase-R-Tot, Electro-Cute is a safe, effective way to ensure that your children remain safe, secure, and under your control.

Simply fit your child with the no-slip, child proof, zip-tie collar (available in pink, bedazzled ‘Princess Necklace’ or electric blue ‘Power Ranger Power Coupler!’ models), lay the boundary wire around your property, plug the system into any home 220-volt electrical outlet, then let the child roam free (but only within the boundaries that you, not the child, have set).

If your child tries to – again – push their boundaries (this time literally) by stepping past the discrete boundary wires, they receive a gentle, child-appropriate ‘voltage correction’ via their new favorite ‘Princess Necklace’/’Power Coupler’. Soon, your child will know just how far they can go – and that you are the one that determines exactly where that is.

Finally, you can relax with that cold one and watch the big game, attack that pile of laundry, wrap up your latest scrapbook, or finish that ‘Flavor of Love’ marathon, all while knowing your child is safe and protected – because he or she just isn’t really going to go anywhere.


Nursing moms, how many times have you thought, “Gee, I’d like to get that housework done,” or “I’d like to check out the big sale at the mall,” but, instead, you had to nurse your crying little one? Well, you don’t have to choose any more.

With Mammalbak, you simple attach the discrete, comfortable suction cups to your bosom, run the skin-toned hoses back to your child-carrier backpack, and stick the pacifier-shaped drink tube in your hungry baby’s mouth. Mammalbak’s quiet, efficient, gentle electric motor does the rest, doing all the work that you – and your baby – used to have to do the old fashioned way!

With this hands-free nursing system, you can work, shop, scrapbook, or finally finish that special project (‘Flavor of Love’ marathon, ladies?), now unfettered by the constant nagging of your oft-hungry baby.

Mammalbak lets you reclaim your life and get back to the things that you enjoy. Requiring only a small motorcycle battery for power, Mammalbak pumps your milk and feeds your baby for you. No more scrambling to find some back room or closet, fumbling with your blouse, or dealing with the stares of lecherous men because Mammalbak’s push-button ease provides a steady, continuous stream of breast milk when your baby needs it most – all via our discrete system. And with the subtle suction cups and skin-toned hoses, your friends won’t even know you’re nursing!

(Skin-toned hoses available in ‘Asian’, ‘African’, ‘Mocha’, ‘Straight Up Honky’, and ‘Hell, I’m so Mixed That It Really Doesn’t Matter Anymore’.)

Mea Cuppa

Dads, you need two hands to get your work done. Whether you’re mowing the lawn, replacing the carburetor in your classic Mustang, or mastering your brown belt in Rex Kwon Do, you can’t get anything done with one hand always kept in reserve just to protect your junk.

Well, you don’t have to any more!

Mea Cuppa is a durable yet comfortable cup made just for dads’ tender jewels. With this patented ‘sack safety system’, you no longer have to walk around the house with one hand always dedicated to covering your nuggets for when torpedo-fast, waist-high children rocket in to give you a ‘great big hug’ (and instead head-butt you right square in the nads) or leap off the couch’s armrest (only to land a knee, Bruce Lee-style, right on your sugar lumps).

Mea Cuppa is made of tough, space-age plastics to protect you (and your future bundles of joy) and made with a ¼-inch foam outer layer of padding to protect the tender noggins of little ones. (And, as an added benefit, the additional enhancement of this added bulk will surely turn the heads of all the ‘hot moms’ at the soccer tournament or farmer’s market.)

But is Mea Cuppa’s full-strength protection a little too much for nighttime? Well Mea Cuppa NightGuard is your answer. A lighter, more pliable version of the full strength Mea Cuppa, Mea Cuppa NightGuard is your answer for safety and comfort for a full night’s rest. This lightweight version of our sack safety system provides nighttime comfort and peace of mind. No longer will you toss and turn, wondering if your toddler will slip, ninja-like, into your bedroom late at night to snuggle, then destroy your good night’s rest with yet another perfectly-targeted roundhouse heel-kick to the plums, causing you to go from prone and blissfully dreaming to upright and groaning in a nanosecond.

Whether day or night, you can reclaim your title as king of your castle in comfort, convenience, and confidence with Mea Cuppa – and Mea Cuppa NightGuard.

All products, names, and likenesses of the products listed here are copy write Parent Pro Industries, a division of Haliburton, with funding by Lehman Brothers from offshore Cayman Islands accounts. All rights reserved. Parent Pro Industries is neither at fault nor liable for any ‘over-zealous’ use of any Parent Pro products. Side effects may include, but not be limited to; rashes, abrasions, light burns, gentle scarring, deepened teenage angst and/or bitterness and/or chances of running away or becoming a meth-addicted stripper or just generally a burden upon society, the scorn and resentment of those other ‘know-it-all’ parents who think they’re ‘so superior’, erectile dysfunction, and addiction to ‘Flavor of Love’ marathons.

Special thanks to Chris Litzsinger, product co-designer.


  1. You are selling me on this parenting thing! Well done Daddy C!

  2. Heidi,

    Just trying to make parents' and kids' lives a little safer and more rewarding.

    Oh, and also trying to allow me to stop having to work so hard taking care of these little urchins. :-)

    - Chez