Friday, April 22, 2011

Introducing: Parent Pro – the Parent’s Friend

Hey parents, are you sick and tired of the same old grind?

The constant repetition of the parental treadmill got you down?

The day-to-day of parenting can eventually wear down even the most resolute of us. In our bleakest of moments, when you’ve slept eight hours total in the past week, one of the kids is sick and another has decided they will absolutely die unless they wear a swimsuit and Sponge Bob slippers to school everyday, you’re under a crushing deadline at work, the hot water heater is leaking, and the dog has decided that your new wall-to-wall carpet is more tasty than horse poop on a hot August day, it’s times like these when a parent needs a trusted friend to lean on.

A friend like Parents Pro – the Parent’s Friend. Parents Pro is a trusted line of quality products designed by parents, for parents. These proven items will make your job as parent enjoyable, easy, and safe.


Sometimes, no matter your best efforts, threats of ‘time out’, the ‘naughty step’, or those other newfangled parenting methods just won’t settle down your little banshee. This is when you call in your new best friend: Tase-R-Tot.

Based on the design of tasers used by law enforcement professionals, Tase-R-Tot is a safe, effective, low-voltage alternative that just provides that little extra ZAP! you might need to get your little howler monkeys back in line.

Tase-R-Tot’s kid-friendly voltage provides just enough of a pint-sized shock to remind your kids, ‘Oh yeah, mommy and daddy are in charge here!’ With Tase-R-Tot in the home, there won’t be any more back-talk, outside voices inside, refusal to eat vegetables, or any attempts to test your parental authority.

Effective to a range of four meters, Tase-R-Tot allows you to get back to your life and focus on heating up that healthy dinner, taking that important phone call, scrapbooking, or finally finishing that ‘Flavor of Love’ marathon – without having to get up and parent the old fashioned way.

Tase-R-Tot – for those troubling times when even a backhand just won’t get the job done.


If an invisible fence is good enough for Man’s Best Friend… why not use it for ‘Man’s Best Kids’?

Based on the same low-voltage current as our best-selling Tase-R-Tot, Electro-Cute is a safe, effective way to ensure that your children remain safe, secure, and under your control.

Simply fit your child with the no-slip, child proof, zip-tie collar (available in pink, bedazzled ‘Princess Necklace’ or electric blue ‘Power Ranger Power Coupler!’ models), lay the boundary wire around your property, plug the system into any home 220-volt electrical outlet, then let the child roam free (but only within the boundaries that you, not the child, have set).

If your child tries to – again – push their boundaries (this time literally) by stepping past the discrete boundary wires, they receive a gentle, child-appropriate ‘voltage correction’ via their new favorite ‘Princess Necklace’/’Power Coupler’. Soon, your child will know just how far they can go – and that you are the one that determines exactly where that is.

Finally, you can relax with that cold one and watch the big game, attack that pile of laundry, wrap up your latest scrapbook, or finish that ‘Flavor of Love’ marathon, all while knowing your child is safe and protected – because he or she just isn’t really going to go anywhere.


Nursing moms, how many times have you thought, “Gee, I’d like to get that housework done,” or “I’d like to check out the big sale at the mall,” but, instead, you had to nurse your crying little one? Well, you don’t have to choose any more.

With Mammalbak, you simple attach the discrete, comfortable suction cups to your bosom, run the skin-toned hoses back to your child-carrier backpack, and stick the pacifier-shaped drink tube in your hungry baby’s mouth. Mammalbak’s quiet, efficient, gentle electric motor does the rest, doing all the work that you – and your baby – used to have to do the old fashioned way!

With this hands-free nursing system, you can work, shop, scrapbook, or finally finish that special project (‘Flavor of Love’ marathon, ladies?), now unfettered by the constant nagging of your oft-hungry baby.

Mammalbak lets you reclaim your life and get back to the things that you enjoy. Requiring only a small motorcycle battery for power, Mammalbak pumps your milk and feeds your baby for you. No more scrambling to find some back room or closet, fumbling with your blouse, or dealing with the stares of lecherous men because Mammalbak’s push-button ease provides a steady, continuous stream of breast milk when your baby needs it most – all via our discrete system. And with the subtle suction cups and skin-toned hoses, your friends won’t even know you’re nursing!

(Skin-toned hoses available in ‘Asian’, ‘African’, ‘Mocha’, ‘Straight Up Honky’, and ‘Hell, I’m so Mixed That It Really Doesn’t Matter Anymore’.)

Mea Cuppa

Dads, you need two hands to get your work done. Whether you’re mowing the lawn, replacing the carburetor in your classic Mustang, or mastering your brown belt in Rex Kwon Do, you can’t get anything done with one hand always kept in reserve just to protect your junk.

Well, you don’t have to any more!

Mea Cuppa is a durable yet comfortable cup made just for dads’ tender jewels. With this patented ‘sack safety system’, you no longer have to walk around the house with one hand always dedicated to covering your nuggets for when torpedo-fast, waist-high children rocket in to give you a ‘great big hug’ (and instead head-butt you right square in the nads) or leap off the couch’s armrest (only to land a knee, Bruce Lee-style, right on your sugar lumps).

Mea Cuppa is made of tough, space-age plastics to protect you (and your future bundles of joy) and made with a ¼-inch foam outer layer of padding to protect the tender noggins of little ones. (And, as an added benefit, the additional enhancement of this added bulk will surely turn the heads of all the ‘hot moms’ at the soccer tournament or farmer’s market.)

But is Mea Cuppa’s full-strength protection a little too much for nighttime? Well Mea Cuppa NightGuard is your answer. A lighter, more pliable version of the full strength Mea Cuppa, Mea Cuppa NightGuard is your answer for safety and comfort for a full night’s rest. This lightweight version of our sack safety system provides nighttime comfort and peace of mind. No longer will you toss and turn, wondering if your toddler will slip, ninja-like, into your bedroom late at night to snuggle, then destroy your good night’s rest with yet another perfectly-targeted roundhouse heel-kick to the plums, causing you to go from prone and blissfully dreaming to upright and groaning in a nanosecond.

Whether day or night, you can reclaim your title as king of your castle in comfort, convenience, and confidence with Mea Cuppa – and Mea Cuppa NightGuard.

All products, names, and likenesses of the products listed here are copy write Parent Pro Industries, a division of Haliburton, with funding by Lehman Brothers from offshore Cayman Islands accounts. All rights reserved. Parent Pro Industries is neither at fault nor liable for any ‘over-zealous’ use of any Parent Pro products. Side effects may include, but not be limited to; rashes, abrasions, light burns, gentle scarring, deepened teenage angst and/or bitterness and/or chances of running away or becoming a meth-addicted stripper or just generally a burden upon society, the scorn and resentment of those other ‘know-it-all’ parents who think they’re ‘so superior’, erectile dysfunction, and addiction to ‘Flavor of Love’ marathons.

Special thanks to Chris Litzsinger, product co-designer.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lillian's P-Bomb

Not to be outdone by her F-bomb dropping sister (see previous post), big sister Lillian apparently felt a need to get in on the 'trucker mouth' action as well.

This incident happened just two months after Sylvia's F-bombs and I can't help but think that the events were related. Perhaps Lillian was just simply inspired by the impact of and attention garnered by Sylvia's potty mouth, and thus she just HAD to go out and find her own distinct... 'signature' to stamp on my memories of her childhood (and add to the building case against us with Child Protective Services).

Sally was away on a business trip, and I was scrambling to get the girls out the door to school one fine morning. As is most often the case, Lillian was dutifully doing everything she could to get ready and was following instructions to a 'T'. Sylvia, as is most often the case, was fluttering around like the little butterfly that she is, head in the daffodils, ignoring everything I said.

Here's a snippet from any random morning in our house; "Sylvia, get your shoes on. Sylvia, I asked you to get your shoes on. It's time to go to school. No, NOW. Sylvia, get your shoes on! No, YOUR OWN shoes! Yes, wearing my shoes really is silly, but Sylvia, please get your own shoes on now. Yes, Lillian you did do a good job getting your shoes on. Yes, I love the sparkles on them. Wait, where is Sylvia? Sylvia, it's NOT coloring time. GET YOUR SHOES ON!" Now repeat this for eating breakfast, getting out of PJ's, getting on each individual article of clothing, brushing hair, brushing teeth, getting her backpack, etc. and you'll start to get a picture of a typical morning here.

This particular morning, I was asking Sylvia to get her coat on, for the fifth time, when Lillian suddenly piped up with, "Sylvia, get your coat on and stop being such a PUSSY!"

I was dumbstruck, more so than when Sylvia dropped her F-bomb. I mean, I know we let the F-bomb slip now and again and thus I could fathom where Sylvia got that word. But Lillian? Calling her sister a... 'pussy'? I stood there silent for a moment, really sort of dumbstruck, just wondering, 'Where the hell did THAT come from?"

"Er, ah..." I stumbled. "Lillian, wait. WHAT did you just say?"

She registered my tone and the severe emphasis I put on the 'WHAT'. She looked me in the eye, rather sheepishly, and said, quite sincerely, "Nothing."

"No, that wasn't 'nothing.' C'mere. Let's talk."

Our previous rush out the door now halted, I switched into loving, nurturing parent mode, rather than my previous (and usual) ushering, prodding, cajoling, pleading day-to-day parent mode. I calmed my voice, relaxed a bit, and got down to Lillian's level to talk to her eye-to-eye.

I slowly explained what that word meant and that people used it as a not very nice word for a woman's vagina and that people also used it as a not very nice word for people when they aren't doing what they want them to do. And (now well-versed in how to handle another 'trucker mouth bomb') I said it was an adult word, not a good word at all for kids to use yet, generally pulling out all the little tidbits of parental guidance that I'd gleaned from our issue with Sylvia. I then also mentioned that sometimes Lillian might hear that word being used for a kitty, as in 'pussycat'.

I got the girls off to school and all was well... save a constant fear that I'd get a call from the school soon about Lillian using an inappropriate word in the art room or cafeteria or in the midst of some wonderfully nurturing touchy-feely Montessori festival about 'love lights' or a 'peace rose' or something. I could hear, echoing through my head, Lillian barking out 'Ms. Beth, I asked Malijah to hold the peace rose to share his love light, but he's being a PUSSY!' At the end of the day, I cringed a little picking Lillian up from her school, steeling myself for her teacher to stride over to my car or, worse still, ask me to park the car and meet her inside 'to talk about Lillian'.

But, there were no calls during the day, no impromptu conferences, and no shameful notes in Lillian's backpack when she got home. The day was, apparently, wonderfully normal. Happy with my parental super powers exerted to squash the evil P-word from Lillian's lexicon, I fed them dinner, got them to bed, and got ready for another day.

Rushing through another morning of getting the girls off to school the next day, all was going well. Sylvia was listening (well, a bit - let's say she was listening more than usual), we were cranking through getting ready, and things were generally going well. I had the girls fed, dressed, combed, and ready for another day of school and we scooted out the door and into the garage, when our cat Periwinkle ran into the garage with us.

Always the empathetic one, Lillian immediately feared for the cat's safety and yelled out into the dark garage, "Dad, Periwinkle just ran in here!" She then followed that with a rapid-fire burst of, "Here pussy! Here pussy! Have you seen my pussy? Where is my pussy! Here pussy! Dad, can you see my pussy over there? Here pussy! Has anyone seen my pussy? Where's my pussy?"

Always quick, I replied with a stern, sage, "Uh... errr... uh." But, I quickly regained my composure. "Lillian, STOP! Do NOT say THAT word."

I started to get down to Lillian's level and get all nurturing again. But Lillian piped up first; "But dad, you said yesterday that that word could be used for 'cat' too. And that's how I was using it. You said that. Yesterday." And I had to give the kid props. She was good...

"Yes, you're right honey, I did say that. And you are using the word... like I said people use it."

"Then it's okay right!?!?!"

"Ah...", here I was again at a loss for words. She was right. And she had used the word just as I told her it could be used. All that I could say was, "Honey, just don't use that word. Not yet. You'll have PLENTY of time to use that word down the road, in all sorts of ways. But do me a favor and just don't use that word until your bigger." I knew how specific Lillian could be and that she would immediately ask me what age she could start using this magnificent new word. "So, ah..." I had to buy time. "Don't use that word until you're... like, twelve." (Hey, I was trying to be somewhat realistic here and knew that she wouldn't buy - and I wouldn't believe it myself - if I tried to say 'eighteen'.)

She nodded okay, and then I got the girls off to school. And while I continued to steel myself for it, there hasn't yet been a note, a call, or even a peep from Ms. Beth about Lillian dropping any P-bombs in the midst of any Montessori school-wide World Peace Love Light International Hug Your Friends Day Celebration.

Well, not yet at least...